On Hurricanes and Acceptance
Life, much like a hurricane, can be out of our control sometimes.
Life, much like a hurricane, can be out of our control sometimes.
What a season it’s been. I’m sitting here reflecting on what has happened in life since the last time I wrote to you here. Living in Florida, we have experienced three strong storms. Debby, Helene, and Milton. To say the least, these storms were devastating for millions of people who lost power, homes, financial security, peace of mind, and more. The impacts are still being felt in our most vulnerable communities, where debris still lines the streets. For many, there’s a mental fog that has lingered, especially on the back of dealing with an election that has left so many feeling unsafe and uncertain.
In conversations I’ve had with my friends, there seems to be an existential dread. We’re exhausted. Many aren’t feeling the warmth and joy of the holiday season. We’ve been over-stimulated and overwhelmed.
Personally, my journey has also brought a new storm. Devastatingly enough, I found out about a week ago that my Cushing’s Disease is back, and Mr. Steve Urkel (my pituitary tumor) is growing back. I knew when I felt the symptoms earlier this year, something was going on. I was tired. I wasn’t recovering from my workouts as quickly as I could have been. I felt nervous more often. Weight was coming back on. My blood pressure started to tick up higher than I have ever experienced. A new MRI and blood work showed that I am one of the 10-20% of people with this rare disease whose tumors grow back. Long story short, life is lifing.
In the midst of all of these hurricanes, I began reflecting about how life is similar to this force of nature. Life can feel calm until slowly, the wind starts picking up speed. As the winds pick up, it starts to drizzle light rain. Sometimes, these storms can pass over quickly, and sometimes, they linger over the ocean, gaining strength and intensifying as they approach you. You’re standing on a shore, and if you feel the storm coming. You brace, knowing that it could be bad. You do everything in your power to protect yourself. Boarding up the windows, finding a shelter, trying to evacuate, but the challenge is still coming. When it hits, it hurts. The wind, the water, the floods - they devastate. In every hurricane, there is an eye of a storm, where all is silent, a moment of reprieve and then, it's back to more destruction. That's how life has felt lately. One scary event after another.
How does one cope? How can we be well when everything seems like it’s out of our control and the storm has wrecked us?
I might not have a definitive answer, but as I reflect, I think about change and acceptance. Life will never fully be in our control, but times of destruction welcome transformation and adaptation. What have your storms taken away from you, and what can be replaced to cope, adapt, and make it to the next moment? For me at this moment, it looks like rest. It’s giving myself grace, knowing that I’m doing my best. It’s accepting the acknowledging the grief I feel, and letting myself feel it. It’s going to therapy consistently and showing up, even if all I can do is cry. It’s reaching out to my dear friends and family. It’s continuing to be vulnerable and share my journey, so that hopefully someone else can read this and choose themselves, no matter what that looks like. In the end, this devastation will make way for something new. As the trees lifted from the soil are cleared away, and as the floodwaters recede and reshape the landscape, we can be confident to know that the sun will shine again.
As I hang on in the midst of this storm, I remind myself that it too, shall pass even if it’s hard right now.
On Being Vulnerable
Vulnerability- willingness to show emotion or to allow one’s weaknesses to be seen or known; willingness to risk being emotionally hurt.
Vulnerability- The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Vulnerability and mental wellness is a tough topic for many of us. I feel this especially as a Black woman in the United States. Oftentimes, we feel the need to hide our emotions from others for a number of reasons that can change depending on who you talk to. We have very real experiences of being open with others and then suffering as a result. Instead of sharing our struggles, we often choose to suffer in silence as a means of protection from harm, additional judgment, having our feelings dismissed or used against us, or being seen as incapable. This is a valid response, and Dr. Karey Yazeed, behavioral scientist, author, and speaker gives an excellent overview of this. It is important, however, to consider how opening ourselves up to our trusted community or even one friend (If we have one) can bring healing during times of hardship.
About a month ago, I suffered a tragic pregnancy loss. My world was shattered as the child I had been dreaming about planted itself in the wall of my left fallopian tube, causing a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy. An emergency surgery combined with the trauma and grief of losing a life I hoped to come into this world left me numb. I wept severely for days (and still do at times). Everything was hard. Not being able to exercise for my mental health, not having the capacity to cook, watching my husband struggle because he was sad that I was suffering, it was clear we needed help. It’s hard to comprehend these feelings if you haven’t gone through it, but a lot of my mental state was mirrored in a recent Modern Love article by Lori Vogt Rosone.
Admittedly, it was hard to open up and share what was going on. I didn’t want other people to feel responsible for making me feel “better” or heal me overnight. I felt that this problem was extremely personal, and I didn’t want to open myself up to judgment and stigma behind pregnancy loss. Additionally, I felt ashamed and extremely naive because I allowed myself to be so excited so early on, full well knowing that miscarriages and pregnancy loss happen often; however, I took a leap of faith, silenced the fear for a moment and shared. The outcome was truly beautiful as my community embraced my pain and shared their love with me.
I received so much. People gifted me with stories of their losses, some of which I felt were worse than mine. This grew my sense of comfort in knowing that I was not alone. Those same people gave me hope for a future, sharing about their successes and offering themselves as support. My closest friends offered to travel and spend time. Others sent love in the form of gift cards and meal delivery that helped us navigate the loss and just have peace. I received flowers to brighten the home, and the calls and text messages added some sense of normalcy as it allowed me to continue talking through and accepting what had happened.
The emotional, physical, financial, spiritual support - and let’s not forget therapy - made it easier to start healing. And that’s why I want to encourage people, especially Black women to share their stories and dream beyond the narrative that we are always unsafe in doing so. Understanding that there are barriers we face, we can cultivate community in those we trust who have our best interest at heart. It can start small with one friend, but don’t be afraid to reach out to someone, even if it’s to me.
Resources:
For Pregnancy Loss:
For Emotional Support/Suicidal Ideation:
Why Did I Start Dreams of Wellness?
I studied health and wellness because I always cared about longevity and wanting to live a healthy life while on earth. I sought knowledge about nutrition and activity across the lifespan, while honing my skills to practice - always remaining physically active myself. However, the longer I stayed in this field, I realized that from a sociological standpoint, the U.S system wasn’t set up to allow people to thrive in their health for a number of reasons. My sociological studies outlined the ways that gender inequality, racism, classism, sexism, ageism, religious discrimination amongst other things create added barriers and stresses in life that make it harder to be healthy. I wanted to learn how I could advocate for improving our society’s long-standing health inequalities, and pursued my Master’s Degree in Public Health with an emphasis on Health Equity. I delved more into the applied history of public health, the U.S healthcare system, program planning and community development, policies and enforcement of public health, neighborhoods and built environment, grant writing, and a slew of research courses, both qualitative and quantitative. I wanted to do this work.
Ironically enough, my final semester of the program was in Spring 2020 when COVID-19 swept through the world, causing a shift to online courses, and a virtual graduation. Despite those challenges, I was able to secure my first full-time job working for a non-profit in Tampa Bay that allowed me to specialize in community connection and collaborations for health equity. However, I saw that this field of helping others was sorely under-resourced, and the well-funded organizations that had the capacity to collaborate with others often weren’t impacting health at the community level in a way that the community deemed helpful. Moreover, the workforce of these community organizations (many women of color) didn’t have the capacity to be healthy themselves a lot of the time because of the stressful nature of their jobs that also didn’t pay well.
Here’s where the rubber met the road for me. In early 2021, I was diagnosed with a tumor on my pituitary gland, which sits at the base of the brain. This tumor, which I aptly named Steve Urkel because of its unwanted presence, yet persistent nature, crashed the way my hormones were functioning in my body. It had been there for a while, slowly causing issues that suddenly seemed to spiral. This condition is called Cushing’s Disease. Because of this Cushing’s Disease, I was pushing out stress hormones continuously, and that crashed my thyroid function as well. What did this look like? A slowed metabolism with the symptoms of high cortisol. My muscles became weak. I was tired all of the time, having to take up to 3 naps a day to function. My active lifestyle took a turn due to the pain and constant need for rest. I gained about 30 pounds in 3 months. I developed insomnia that had me wake at all hours of the night. Emotionally, the lack of sleep led to increased anxiety, which was further exacerbated by the cortisol. I had migraines and brain fog. I started to have high blood pressure, which was nothing I had ever experienced, and along with that, my blood levels were showing that I was slowly developing higher A1C levels and moving closer to Type 2 diabetes. I wouldn’t find out until later, but this also contributed to mild Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Again, this was not something that I caused directly, but something that my body just did. It’s also important to note that before the diagnosis, I was essentially blown off by my first primary doctor because if I had indeed had cushings, I would have “looked more sick” than I had and I was “too young” for serious conditions. My condition progressed while I tried to navigate a complicated and fragmented health care system as a student in Atlanta, causing further stress. I was living the life of the data I studied.
Eventually, through many appointments, finally meeting with a new primary doctor, an endocrinologist, an ear nose and throat specialist, and a neurosurgeon, I was blessed to be scheduled for a surgery that would remove Steve Urkel. During this time, I was fortunate to have the support of parents close by, and a fiance who was already sticking by my side through sickness and health.
The tumor was removed in July of 2021, and I have been recovering ever since. It is now 2024 and the journey, though not always easy, has taught me a lot. Through having a condition that showed me directly how stress hormones crash quite literally every system in the body, I have had to purposefully take the time to cut many of the stressors that perpetuate poor health. As a Black woman who works in the Public Health and Policy Field, I don’t always feel the healthiest due to the innate stressors of having to focus on inequality. At times, I find myself mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually burned out, like other women in this line of work.
I’m pursuing this venture because as much as we focus on the stress and the barriers, there’s room to focus on the healing, and our holistic wellness. I believe our human nature is focused on living the best life possible, and we are primed to frame things in negative mindsets because of our desires to grow, improve and live well. We have to notice problems in our lives yet at the same time, we have the innate ability to address and solve them when we have the capacity to dream. This blog and newsletter will focus on topics of healing, health, inner peace and holistic wellness. I’m glad you’re joining me. Stay tuned.